Back to Basics

To call the game an epic battle would be more than presumptuous. It was after all, just a spring baseball game with two unfamiliar teams playing, not dying to win but simply hoping to improve. Still, the game had all the qualities of an early exhibition that draws baseball lovers and lifers to baseball in March.

The setting for the game was predictable. The field was not suited for the crowds or the pageantry of an opening day. The sun was bright and the sky was cloudless, but not quite warm. The players wore long sleeve undershirts beneath their fresh jerseys, and there were more than a few sweaters and hoodies in the bleachers. Like any other spring game there, were toddlers seeing a baseball game for the first time, and there were snowbirds spending an afternoon outdoors before finding an early supper. Pretty girls were daring to wear shorts for the first time this year despite the shifty breeze. The clamor of batting practice in nearby cages underscored the sounds from the actual game itself.

All the coaches on each side were as nervous as a first timer in a middle school play. Were they ready for even this modest stage? Had they done enough to prepare their teams? Would they flub their line-ups?

Baseball may have long lost the title of “America’s Pastime” to football or reality television or “internet research,” but spring baseball still quarries the sports fan’s unlimited mines of romance and optimism.

The game featured two of the league’s brightest stars. It would be the first game action for each player this spring. These two guys were friends, having been teammates two seasons ago. At that time, they were simply emerging contributors, players still creating their game while making great plays occasionally rather than often. This is the season they will undoubtedly be hitting their prime. They have become the type of player that draws a little more buzz from the crowd when they step up to the plate.

Befitting his star status, one player arrived in a Jaguar. As is the custom nowadays, the stars made pleasantries before the game and reconnected after a long off-season. Once the game began, their performances did not disappoint. Swinging on the third pitch across the plate, the first star homered to left center field. The second star ripped a triple in his first at bat in the bottom half of the inning. Later, they would each make stellar defensive plays, including an unassisted double play off of a hard liner seemingly destined for extra bases. When the game ended, both players would be just one at bat away from possibly “hitting for the cycle.” But, true to the nature of these spring exhibitions, neither player had a fourth at bat because the teams had made a gentlemen’s agreement before the game to spread the at bats around the line-ups.

The game was as it should have been, a showcase for all the players, not just the superstars. It was also an opportunity to witness improvements all along the rosters and expose areas to be marked for improvement. On the dim side, the base running at times was more laughable than laudable. First and third base coaches were ignored with regularity. On the other hand, future stars showed glimpses of their potential and proved that the relentless repetitions of drills in practices were paying dividends. One highlight was a thrilling relay from the left fielder to the shortstop on to home plate. The tag was applied perfectly for an ESPN highlight-reel out. On this play the cogs were in place, the machine was operating perfectly.

This spring baseball game was not a classic, and you didn’t need to see box score, and the home run doesn’t count, but baseball had returned. This was a good thing. The fans cheered for their favorites once again. They left the park pleased and optimistic. There was definitely hope on both sides for a winning season. The coaches learned more from this game than they could have hoped. And the players, they wondered and wandered around after the game. What was their real concern? Being four, five and six year old boys, they just wanted their snack.

The Oscar Gamble Effect

It would seem that a any athletically inclined, creative type could dream up thousands of relatable sports topics in seconds. A writer should be able to easily fill the new Yankee Stadium with ideas. If there isn't, there should be a phrase in cliche cyberspace that goes something like, “There is always room in the world for one more good sportswriter?” Unfortunately, some days, some of us don't think so good, and the idea train is stuck in Des Moines.

This is when it is time to take the blunt end of the shovel to the blunt end of the brain and dig.

After failing to glean any great topics from the midweek events in between the Super Bowl and baseball’s opening day, also known as the basketball and hockey regular seasons, I had to work a little harder than usual (not much harder mind you) to create questions that only I would be brave, funny and genius enough to answer. The result, “What is the funniest thing I have seen in sports?”

The answer then became so obvious, it’s embarrassing. The funniest thing in sports is Oscar Gamble’s seventies afro on his baseball card. This quickly reminded me that I needed to buy baseball cards for the 4, 5 and 6 year olds that come to me like grasshoppers to the sansei for enlightenment three times a week. Then finally, a topic worthy of the memory of a writer and his laptop materialized: baseball cards.

Like the Tonight Show: More to Come:

The Tiger Situation

After the winter of media hibernation, Tiger Woods apologized for his rampant infidelity last week. Hacks, of the writing and of the golf variety, now get their turn to play judge, palm reader, and preacher. No one, it seems, is afraid to speak out when it comes to Tiger and his indiscretions. Already, there have been and will continue to be some pretty interesting takes on sports’ most famous apology.

Here’s one great viewpoint formed well ahead of Tiger’s press conference. This opinion began taking shape in feeble minds when Tiger’s harem seemed more like Charlie’s Angels than the Dirty Dozens. “Why is Tiger even apologizing? He is just doing what every man wishes he could do. He’s just talking because he wants to get more cheese from those sponsors.” This is great guy to have on your side, unless you’re building a rocket ship or trying to find a cure for cancer.

Some members of the media also began forming their opinions well before Tiger finally spoke. They complained, “If he doesn’t take any questions how can it be real apology?” This is like one of my jilted daughters saying about the other, “I don’t want her apology because she won’t mean it.” There may be some truth to these statements, but that’s not how anyone tries to raise their kids. The media guy who says this is also the one who complains that athletes make too much money. He also likes to take his son to autograph shows wearing an authentic replica player’s jersey.

Somewhere in the middle of this, someone interviews a celebrity for his/her opinion of the “Tiger Woods Situation.” This is of course not be confused with Jersey Shore’s The Situation. (Unfortunately, Because we create and come to adore our celebrities way too easily, The Situation is now officially qualified to comment on the Tiger Woods Situation). Celebrity plus microphone has never been a reliable recipe for brilliance, reason and/or morals. Again, See Jersey Shore. When the celebrity opinion rears appears on screen, it’s time to change the channel quickly. Very rarely is this actually insightful. Usually it’s like watching model trains run into each other. While the scene may entertain us briefly, you’re not really learning anything new and could have gone through the rest of your day without seeing it.

Other media members took this stance. “He bared his soul. He was vulnerable. I felt sorry for him.” It is amazing how “this guy” morphs himself into some licensed psychoanalyst and ordained pastor instantly just because he has an audience. This is the guy that also becomes a political hack every three and half years and tells us what is wrong with our country and which way we need to vote.

Of course, none of these positions matter. They are ridiculously predictable and tiresome to read, hear or see. I found myself thinking about much more important things over the weekend. Can we ever make it to church on time? Who should hit clean-up on our four, five and six year old youth baseball team? Why are their no bases on a baseball practice field? Can the U. S. hockey team really win a gold medal in Vancouver? What channel is MSNBC? Why did it take me 25 years to appreciate hot and sour soup?

Fact is, Tiger made his apology. Now comes the heavy lifting. He is just now lacing up his Nikes, his marathon course to decency t is about to start. And although it may not be fun for a hack like me to admit, this cliche is the best analysis: actions do speak louder than words. Good luck, Tiger.

Open Position

If you happen to be running a Fortune 500 company, do yourself a favor. Don’t hire PGA golf pro Ernie Els as your Vice-President of Marketing and Brand Awareness. Send his resume to your competition.

On Thursday, Els blasted the easiest target and punch-line of the 2000s, Tiger Woods. From the site of the current Accenture Match Play Championship outside of Tuscon, Els told Golfweek, "It's selfish. You can write that. I feel sorry for the sponsor. Mondays are a good day to make statements, not Friday. This takes a lot away from the golf tournament.” Incidentally, Tiger Woods was a pitchman for Accenture before he got caught in all of his “night-putting.” Accenture was among the first sponsors to drop him.

It probably wasn’t orchestrated as such, but Woods is doing his former sponsor a favor. The PGA tour version 2010 hasn’t really started in the minds of the common fan. Last week was the annual “Bill Murray I’m Still Relevant and Ray Romano I wish I Were Relevant Pro-Am at Pebble Beach.” Playing three courses over four day with amateurs by the ocean is like a typical weekend at Myrtle Beach. Fans don’t begin to follow the tour until the Master’s is around the corner. (Pun intended). By holding his press conference at 11:00 Eastern, Tiger is providing an amazing lead-in for GolfChannel’s tournament coverage. Suddenly, people are discussing the Accenture Match Play. Hello Ernie, they are pumping the name like never before. Hell, if you asked a conversational fan before yesterday, they would associate Buick as a Woods sponsor before they would Accenture. (Buick dropped Tiger in the spring of ’09).

Like it or not, Tiger is actually working some good spin. It’s simple, the media is upset because Tiger has once again proved to be the Untouchable. He has become the Holy Grail of sports and pop culture. Choosing a Friday to make his first visual mea culpa was genius. Many in the media, even the bottom feeding bloggers, still earn the majority of their living before the weekend. The media consumer spends much less time ducking their boss and doing “internet research” on Saturdays and Sundays than the rest of the week.

The setting for Tiger’s statement is also brilliant. He will speak from TPC Sawgrass, the home links of the PGA. This association gives Tiger a powerful if unofficial support group. PGA Commissioner Tim Finchem can not let his cash cow be grilled by the media.

Although this production will be scripted like a James Cameron vehicle, it really doesn’t matter much. Other athletes have prepped us for this moment. The general public doesn’t require full disclosure. If you were furious and vocally upset in November and December, you will be after the press conference. A blind follower of the Tiger pack will remain so. Everyone wants Tiger to field questions, no doubt about it but that doesn’t mean he is foolish enough to do it. Tiger just wants to get up and down (couldn’t resist) this morning, he is not trying to hit the improbable hole in one (sorry). Today the real audience is the mainstream. It is for those of us that have a short term memory, are easily influenced and love to watch the best of the best. Today, Tiger will start to take America back. His performance on the course and will determine the success of his comeback.

Sorry Ernie. Sorry golf world. Like it or not, many have learned before you. It’s just easier to take Tiger lying down.

NO Love

The New Orleans Saints Super Bowl XLIV win is undoubtedly a feel great story. New Orleans is a city with chins up and glasses raised, proudly recovering and revitalizing in the wake of the devastation of Hurricane Katrina. It’s a proud city colored with bright characters and often caricatures. Congratulations to the most hospitable borough in the South.

That doesn’t mean everyone is smiling. A certain group of NFL fans aren’t just dealing with the usual post-Super Bowl chemical induced hangover. For fans of the Atlanta Falcons, the Saints most familiar NFL adversary, the hangover is figurative as well. Consider the depressed, joyless existence of Atlanta Falcon fans post Super Bowl XLIV.

While the New Orleans Saints fan happily celebrate one more parade on the Mardi Gras schedule, the Atlanta fan is the jealous, jilted stepsister. Before Sunday, the two cities and franchises shared so much in common; most notably they shared unmatched ineptitude in the NFL as if it was in their professional football DNA. The Saints fans wore grocery bags on their heads in shame. The Falcons bagged head coach Marion Campbell after winning only two of eleven games in the seventies. Then they brought him back for three more years of futility in the eighties.

Both cities are expansion franchises from the late sixties. They entered the NFL one year apart. Both teams were whipping boys of the geographically challenged NFC West for years. If you see a Joe Montana or Steve Young to Jerry Rice highlight, you will see a Saint or a helpless Falcon defensive back. Since the league’s realignment, these two rivals play in the NFC South. Masses of fans road trip by planes, trains and automobiles in an annual drunken crusade in vain attempts to validate each other’s insignificance.

And unlike some “can ESPN make it happen rivalry,” these teams are actually rivals. From the mid- sixties to real-time, the teams have traded wins while they sharing frivolous seasons. All-time the Falcons have a record of 282 wins, 399 losses and 6 ties. The Saints are 280-384-5. No two opponents could be so equal in their inefficiency. (The Falcons lead the all-time series with 44 wins to the Saints 37).

The parallels continue away from the field. New Orleans has Bourbon St, and Atlanta has Peachtree St.

These two cities are the most visited in the south. (With no apology to Miami, even if Miami wants to be part of the south: it is not, can not and will not ever be in the south).

New Orleans has Popeye’s chicken. Atlanta has "The Big Chicken."

New Orleans weather is the precursor of Atlanta weather. If you want to know what the weather will be like in Atlanta tomorrow, check out what it’s like in New Orleans today. Oddly, both teams play in domed stadiums despite having mild southern climates.

Both franchises fan base is linked to an SEC school with rich football heritage. Baton Rouge and Athens are both about an hour away from New Orleans and Atlanta respectively. If you cheer for LSU or Georgia on Saturday, you cheer (usually a little less passionate and a lot more hung-over) for Saints or Falcons on Sunday.

Atlanta’s most famous mayor (also former UN Ambassador) Andrew Young, and most-famous writer-actor-director, Tyler Perry, are natives of The Big Easy.

The “alternative life-stylers” never have trouble meeting new people in either city.

Both teams’ most famous coaches, Mike Ditka of the Saints and Dan Reeves of the Falcons, did their best work in other NFL cities only to be cast away and sent to the south.

The teams have even shared some of their most beloved players. Kicker Morten Anderson has scored the most points in Saints and Falcons history. Quarterback Bobby Hebert was the hometown boy made good in Louisiana until he came to be loved in Atlanta for ending the Chris Miller era. He may be more recognized as a Saint, but Hebert made his only Pro Bowl as a Falcon. Hebert has done sports talk radio in both cities and his son was a prep star in metro Atlanta before accepting a scholarship to …LSU.

New Orleans gave the world Lil’ Wayne, and Atlanta gave the world Ludacris.

In many ways the cities and their fans were more alike than different. Separation wasn’t necessary because the comparisons were so similar. Then, Sunday happened. Now, it’s game-on for a “super” Mardi Gras in New Orleans, but it’s still game-over in Atlanta. New Orleans will keep celebrating with Abita beer, Atlanta will mourn with Sweetwater.

A Wedge Between Them

This week the golf world finally took its eyes off Tiger Woods. Specifically, the PGA players, executives and media took their Ping Eye 2 wedges off Tiger.

In the off season certain wedges with specific grooves said to generate excessive spin, and therefore superior control, were banned by the PGA in events. This exercise is proving to be an obvious but less than foresightful attempt to slow down the technological advances on equipment. The vision is to reward a player’s skill, not celebrate space-aged product innovation. Unsuccessful attempts to “Tiger-proof” golf courses from booming drives over the last decade have made this step necessary in the eyes of golf’s governing body. Some might say it’s like choosing plastic surgery because the diet didn’t work, or visca versa. Unfortunately, one wedge was grandfathered via an oversight, the Ping Eye 2 wedge. Ironically, the club was designed and crafted before April 1, 1990. April Fool’s Day, can you hear Alanis Morrisette in the background?

This new rule caused only a ripple of comments from critics while the PGA was starting the season in the middle of the Pacific in January. Thanks to the appearance of a Ping Eye 2 in the bag of the world’s second best golfer: Phil Mickelson at Torrey Pines last week in San Diego, the rule has suddenly become cause celeb. Lefty, who Alanis Morrisette may or may not know is actually right-handed off the course, became the perfect target for a freshman member of the tour’s Player Advisory Council, Scott McCarron. McCarron a tour player since 1995, is proving a less lovable but equally laughable imitation of Mayberry’s Deputy Barney Fife. He told the San Francisco Chronicle last Friday (before missing the cut at Torrey Pines), "It's cheating, and I'm appalled Phil has put it in play."

Hold on to your putter, big boy. It’s not cheating. Golfers, and not just Mickelson, are using a club that is legal. To quote Zach Galifianakis’ character in The Hangover, “It’s not illegal. It's frowned upon, like masturbating on an airplane.” Sidebar- The Hangover 2 is in the works. This week McCarron apparently realized that Mickelson is the current Alpha male on tour and not merely a newly appointed hall monitor. (A hall monitor that has not played in more than two majors in a year since 2003). McCarron swiftly apologized. Satisfied that he made his point regarding the tour’s less than due diligence regarding the process of outlawing equipment, Mickelson pulled the Ping wedge out of his bag this week.

Speaking of putters, McCarron has employing a belly putter since 1992. The belly putter is not only the second most controversial club on tour, it is the club Ted Knight would be using if he were to be alive and filmmakers were making Caddyshack 4.

So what did we learn this week? First, that the PGA underestimated the creativity and gamesmanship of their professional athletes. The Ping Eye 2 is not illegal. Of course some guys want to take any advantage to be competitive and win. Secondly, the tour remains a collection of independent contractors free to do as they please as long as they perform. They will do mostly as they please. Remember just last year, pleas from sponsors did nothing significant to increase the star player’s participation in lesser known events. Third, there are more skirmishes down the fairway as golf’s governing bodies across the globe try to manage inevitable equipment advances. Ping, and their competitors like Nike and Callaway, pay big money to players and for research and development in order to get their products into the hands of weekend hackers everywhere. Lastly we learned, whether anyone likes it or not, Phil Mickelson is the new, albeit interim, sheriff in town.

All-Star Games ... Really

Professional Sports All-Star games are now officially watered-down crap. First, Major League Baseball did an excellent job of de-valuing their game with 2002’s infamous tie. And now, despite various tweaks (such as the NFL moving the setting of the Pro Bowl) from all the leagues, the games keep setting new standards of insignificance. It’s mainly because the casts of these productions are not real stars. Instead of thinking Bart Starr, think David Garrard. Injuries, lame dropouts from the real stars, fan balloting and, in the case of the NFL, the scheduling of the game before the Super Bowl, have watered down the rosters. (Seven Indianapolis Colts and seven New Oreleans Saints players will not playing creating space for fourteen replacements).

This year the NBA and NFL have taken their celebrity scrimmages to new lows. Just look at the rosters. Eastern Conference starting guard Allen Iverson wasn’t good enough to play for the Memphis (Memphis?) Grizzlies in November. In January he is an All-Star for the Philadelphia 76ers.

Staying in Tennessee, the Tennessee Titans Vince Young and Kyle Vanden Bosh have both been added to the AFC Pro Bowl roster. Here are Young’s stats for ‘09: a pedestrian 82.9 passer rating and paltry 1,879 passing yards. What about his rushing totals you ask. Unfortunately, his rushing totals do not make up for his lack of passing acumen: 281 yards and two touchdowns. It is true that Young did not see significant playing time in the first four weeks of the season. However, even if he had played the full season, he would have projections look like this: 2,400 yards passing, and about 350 yards rushing.

The most surprising player on any roster of the games “superstars” is Titans defensive end Kyle Vanden Bosch. Twenty-seven defensive ends had more tackles the Vanden Bosch’s 44. Sixty-six, yes, sixty-six defensive ends had more than his 3 sacks. Those are not the stats of a filet mignon type of player, more like a Subway BMT Combo type of player.

Of these three examples, Iverson is actually the most deserving. When he takes the court with all of his body art, it’s because of his body of work. And, there is nothing wrong with that. It is unfortunate and painfully clear that the soon-to-be-Hall-of-Famer is just not an All-Star performer anymore, and one would imagine an All-Star game to be about the best of the best players.

As a kid the All-Star games were appointment TV, now it may be time to abandon the sunken ship. There has never been drama in these games and the romance is spent, replaced by charades. Because of the money and marketing generated, the respective leagues deem them necessary. But as of now, the leagues must get creative and re-invent them … really.